When the cat’s away… date random guys on Tinder

My husband was recently away at some conferences.  He was gone for about 10 days and since he was at sex-related conferences he was having a grand old time.  Well, he always has a grand old time – he’s quite the charmer.  He was making out with someone on the bus on the way from the airport to the first conference.

Since we’re polyamorous, this is not a problem.  More than that, I think it’s great because he comes home with amazing stories to tell me.  I tend to have longer term relationships than he does, though, so I haven’t had any fun stories to tell about my other partners in quite some time and that was making me feel boring.

A friend of mine recently started dating on Tinder and had been telling me how easy and fast it is compared to other sites she’s tried.  It’s been quite a while since I tried online dating, and my last experience with OK Cupid was infuriating (but that’s a story for another day). So I was hesitant.  But the day after my husband left I got home from an evening out and wasn’t quite tired enough to go to sleep… so I installed Tinder and started swiping.

First off, Tinder is addictive.  It’s so fast to make a decision, and every few swipes you get this “yay, somebody likes me!” feeling when you match someone.  (This is before I realized that a lot of guys literally swipe right on EVERYONE and wait to see who matches them.)  I probably spent an hour swiping, just for the fun of it.  

And then the messages started rolling in.  And just kept coming.  Somehow while swiping I had managed to forget that some of those matches were bound to want to actually talk to me.  And since it was midnight or so on a Saturday, a whole lot of them assumed that I was looking for an immediate hook up.

Let me just take a moment to say that hook ups can be fun, it isn’t necessary to have a “relationship” before you have sex, and I have absolutely no judgement whatsoever for anyone who wants to hook up as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult. That’s your business.

But it was late and I was already in my jammies and that’s not really my style under the best of circumstances.

cc-by Greg Hernandez
cc-by Greg Hernandez

A little advice for the gentleman readers: a“hi” with no other information or questions or interest shown is basically an invitation to ignore you.  Unless you’re Gilles Marini, put at least 30 seconds of effort into it. (If you ARE Gilles Marini, may I recommend using the “Contact Me” link above?)

The first couple of times this happened, I attempted to start a conversation because I’m polite.  But monosyllabic is NOT SEXY, fellas.  At least you’re saving me the trouble of finding out later how boring you are.  

On the other hand, I was able to connect up with a few guys who are also poly or open, and I had a week with a light schedule ahead of me.

The first guy I met, A., was a smart artist-type with an accent.  He has a great smile and fantastic long, curly black hair.  During dinner I also discovered that he grows pot to pay his rent and smokes out every single day.  Maybe since I already have a partner, whether another person qualifies for “long term” is not a huge concern for me.  But I still prefer to see people multiple times – the sex always gets better (if they have any promise at all).  So there were a lot of pluses here, and some minuses.  I don’t care if people smoke pot, but he was the epitome of a habitual pot smoker and that’s just not my thing.  The tide turned when he started talking about how “oral” he is.  I mean… it had been DAYS since I’d had sex, and here was this lovely man.  Who cares if he’ll still be around in a few weeks?

I was not disappointed.  And he was not exaggerating.  This man is obsessed with eating pussy.  We were in bed for maybe two hours and I think he went down on me about 6 times. He had no interest in me returning the favor.  The whole thing was fun, but a little bizarre.  I decided to leave it up to him to contact me again if he wanted to, and he hasn’t.  So, I guess that was adventure #1 from Tinder.

The other two men I met that week were lovely in their own ways, but only a few kisses were exchanged.  

M. is really into motorcycles, used to be a pro dom, and is completely snuggly and adorable.  I can tell already.  After we talked for 2 or 3 hours over a glass of wine, we kissed while I was waiting for my Lyft.  When the Lyft arrived it turned out the driver was a friend that he used to throw sex parties with.  San Francisco is a small place, I guess.  I’m seeing him again tomorrow, so we’ll see what happens.

The third man, E., is a tall guy who showed up in a very tall hat that he had made from the leg of a pair of tuxedo pants.  So that’s a good sign.  But then he talked non-stop for the first hour of our coffee date and I couldn’t figure out whether he was nervous or simply self-centered.  Eventually he started asking questions and he turned out to be nice. He’s a cross dresser, which means there are SO many opportunities for playing dress up. But the kisses afterward were so-so, and I’m undecided about seeing him again.

The week is over, but I’m still getting Tinder messages.  I’m having trouble paying attention to them – I have so many other things I want to do!  I think the Tinder adventures will have to be episodic, but I’m glad I gave it a try.